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Wednesday, January 25, 2012

At the end of my everything...

Yesterday, Rob came home about 5:45. As he walked in the door, I walked up to him, said "I'm done" and I went to bed. I felt like I was at the end of my energy, my patience, my everything.

At 5:45.

I think at some point he asked me if I wanted dinner (I said no) and then after being up with one of the kids in the early hours of the morning I actually took off my jeans, but I pretty much slept until 7. In all my clothes.

Maybe I was a little tired.

I think I am just emotionally drained. After three weeks in Ethiopia with a brand-new (to me) toddler, coming back home to smooth over my relationships with my first two children, both of whom had never been left like that before, and then hitting the ground running with three kiddos, I am just plain beat.

And since Amani has come home I have had some family drama that hurt my heart, medical scares with both parents (one of whom is having major surgery tomorrow), Amani's had one surgery and is scheduled for a second, and some other very emotionally-difficult situations. All in the past three months.

Sheesh.

And to be completely honest, the only thing keeping me going these days is knowing that the God of all creation, the One who holds this world in his hands, is also holding me.  I think that "Footprints" poem is really cheesy, but I think it's quite likely true: Jesus is carrying me right now. 

I don't have the strength, the grace, or the patience to manage all of this on my own. I'm fearful about the surgery for my dad tomorrow, I'm nervous about Amani's surgery in two weeks. I'm struggling with some other things in my life that make me feel very lonely right now.

But God is so good. When I look around, I see the three beautiful children He has blessed me with. I have some absolutely amazing friends.  I can't even begin to come up with an appropriate adjective for my incredible husband. He is, by far, God's greatest gift to me to partner with in this life. God has given me everything I've ever asked for and then some.

So why bother to share this? Well, I think I'm not the only one. I think we all go through times when we feel alone, when we feel overwhelmed, when we want to go to bed and not have to face the world.  

And I'm reminded of what God says about all that:
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

He has plans for us - plans that give us hope and peace.  What an amazing promise.  And, on days like yesterday when all I can do is hide under the covers, I still know in my heart that He has plans yet for me. He's not done yet. And since he's already brought me through an international adoption, I can only imagine what he has in store for the Cassells for 2012! That makes me excited... and a little nervous.

I don't really know how many folks really read this blog, but for those of y'all still reading, I thought I'd pass the reminder along: God has a plan for you. And it's a good one. There are no promises about there being no bumps in the road or valleys to walk through, but it's a good plan, nonetheless.

So what's at the end of my everything? Hope. Plain & simple. :)  I'm still tired, but my weary little soul will never run out of hope. And I have only God to thank for that!


4 comments:

  1. Thank you for this, Kirstin. I have felt overwhelmed lately and recently made a big decision, yet somewhat regretting that I'd needed to make that decision in the first place. But your reminder is so clear. So thank you.

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  2. thank you - very well written. Knowing God has a plan is the ONLY thing that keeps me going today. We were sent from USE to USCIS today - so frustrating. I'm "done" too - but know God's plan isn't now - and the timing will be perfect. Prayers for the family that's sick and having surgery. If you need to talk - I've been there over the years - read our blog from the start - 2004 - you can see it all - or gmbackus@hotmail.com
    Gail
    backus.blogspot.com

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  3. I love you, and your heart for Christ, so very much. You have been such a great example to me of what a woman in today's world needs to be in order to serve Christ completely. I can never truly thank you for this. Although I have not had a breaking point like this, my heart hurt while reading of yours. I hope when I have my 'bedtime' moment in the future, I can fall to Christ just as you have. Hold strong, sweet lady. He will always catch and hold you. In the meantime, you are a wonderful Mommy and a great friend. And I will always be here to listen. Love you.

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  4. Love you, girl! I hate that things are hard right now but know it will get better. Praying for your dad and Amani (what surgery is he having now?). Jaeden and I talk about you almost everyday. Miss you!

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