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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

How's it going?

I get asked this question a lot lately and to be honest, I really don't know how to answer it.

I think we're fine.

But that doesn't mean that it isn't hard.

So I don't know how to answer the question. If I say "great!" it doesn't feel like the truth. It is great that Amani is home. We are thrilled to finally have him here. That part is beyond great.  But during this transition time he cries a lot, he needs to be held all day long. My back hurts from having him in the sling all the time. And have I mentioned that he cries a lot? And, poor baby, his breath is about the worst thing I've ever smelled. It's from his adenoid surgery and I called the ENT to make sure it's okay. Apparently it's supposed to do that. And it should get better this week. Praise God. It's really that bad. And remember, he's in the sling all day... right below my nose! :)

But if I am honest and say "well, it's hard," I tend to get lots of advice. I don't mean to be rude, but I didn't ask for advice. I didn't bring up the fact that it's hard, they asked.  And, again, really really not meaning to be rude, but advice on how their biological child went through this too isn't really that helpful.  I promise a biological child did not, in fact, go through this. And explaining all this for some reason takes a lot of energy out of me, so I don't say anything.  Instead I think, "how can I turn this conversation off of my struggles and onto something mundane?"

So the honest answer to "How's it going?" is "I don't know."  I'm not sure how well Amani's doing. Is he supposed to cry this much? I don't know. How much longer will he need until he feels safe and comfortable with us? I don't know that either.  But for right now, I am doing the best that I can with him. I'm tired. It is really hard to hang out with a child who cries all day long. And only naps in 20 minute increments.  Really hard.  I pray for grace, patience, and compassion every morning. And again at night before I go to bed. And a couple times during the day.

But I expected this. I asked for this. I want this. Amani is home. He is grieving, he is freaking out because this "normal" isn't anything like what it used to be.  That is okay. We will weather this storm.  This is what adoption looks like.

And it's beautiful. I love this child, more than I can even explain. I look at him and my heart wells up the same way it does when I look at Riley and Allyn.  And honestly, every day gets a little easier. I hope I don't sound too down with this post. Things are so much better than they were.

So... how are YOU doing?

2 comments:

  1. I think you are doing wonderfully!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. sending you a very special blog HUG...lots of LOVE too!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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