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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

That heartbroken thing again...

I'm terrible with technology... but if I did this right, you'll be reading this the day we meet the child we so desperately want to adopt. I wrote this the night before we left:



I've written before about being heartbroken.

This is the week my heart will be broken in a way it hasn't before.  God has given me a heart for the downtrodden, the oppressed, the forgotten.  And it hurts me to see people hurting.  But this week it really hits home for me.

This week I meet a little boy who fits into those categories.  And I am working so hard to get him OUT of those categories. I'll meet him, hug him, kiss him, hold him, whisper to him that we love him.  And then I have to walk out of his life with no clue when I get to walk back in. I want to be his Mommy. And right now, I can't be.

It's sinking in that we're really going to meet him.  I cried twice today about leaving sweet Allyn behind.  And each time I cried over leaving her for 8 days, a shot went through my heart telling me "you'll be leaving him for so much longer."

This is the pain of adoption for me.  I can handle paperwork, I can handle waiting, I can handle few & far-between updates.  For me, going there, meeting him, and leaving without him is the heartbreak.  And in all honesty, it's not likely we'll pass court before the rainy season so that means we could easily not see him again for 5 or 6 months. Five or six months. Or longer.

We've been so crazy busy since we found out about our court date that I haven't had much time to slow down and think about it.  When I do slow down, the tears come.  I was sewing something for our little guy today and while I sewed, the tears came.  Sewing just might be my love language. I prayed for him and for our family with every stitch.

This hurts.  This is what heartbroken feels like.  I can praise God through the hurt but right now that doesn't take the hurt away.  This is tough.

God doesn't call us to an easy life.  If you say you love God, yet you're not hurting in some way, you just might need to have a long, hard talk with God about that.  I don't mean to say he wants us to be in pain.  But He loves this broken world, and if he give us His heart, we'll be hurting like he is.  Hurting in a way that makes us do something about it.

Even if doing something hurts too.

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