I haven't disappeared from the blog. I promise. I have tried to update it once a week since we started and have (almost) been faithful to do so.
But I'm having trouble this time. I usually come up with what to write while I'm out on a run. It's my chance to be alone with God with nothing else going on. No music, no sound, no one asking me for "milk in a sippy cup." And I still have that time but at the moment it's so hard to put into words what is going on with me.
There is a child out there. He's not mine exactly. But at the moment he does not belong to anyone else. And there is a space in my heart shaped exactly like him. I look at his pictures and I want to reach into them and pull him out. I have NEVER wanted to hold a child so badly in my entire life. Not even during my pregnancies. (probably because any pictures I had of my children in-utero looked like aliens).
I can't begin to explain the place I'm in right now. I'm in love. It kills me that I can't put his picture up on here - he is the most beautiful child. We want him here as part of our family and yet I know that, most likely, I won't have him home before the end of 2011. It kind of feels like I'm playing tug-of-war. Some days I want to cry because it's so hard to think about how much he'll grow up before I get to play a role in his life. Other days I try to pretend like everything's normal - like our family is just fine as is. I can convince myself for tiny moments that part of my heart hasn't suddenly flown to Ethiopia and taken hold there. Those moments are fleeting.
But this summer will be wonderfully busy. We're headed to Texas this week for a very special wedding. The past two weeks since we got our referral have been crazily packed with end-of-the-year parties, field trips, and graduations. We plan to live at the pool this summer and have two VBS's already lined up. Summer craziness will surely carry me through August.
And I have found a tiny silver lining in the length of the process. Since we probably won't have our little one home by the fall, I will have two mornings a week when both kids are at school and no kids will be at home. I will be alone from 9-1 two days a week. I have not been alone for more than 5 minutes in the past four and a half years. Seriously - my children still show up while I'm in the shower and Allyn just recently stopped requesting to sit on my lap while I'm sitting on the toilet. Not kidding.
So we're focusing on the positive over here. And today's my 8th wedding anniversary That's proof right there that time flies fast!! :)