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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Be still...

This adoption feels like it has come to a standstill for me.

I've been having a bit of a hard time with the adoption process lately.  That doesn't make much sense because you'd think after 5 months I'd have the whole waiting thing down. And we've just started our big fundraiser so I've been busy with that. And I've been sewing like crazy (all to raise more funds for the adoption). Oh yeah and I have two kids, one of whom does not nap so it's not like I actually have any down time.

But right now I just feel like life is moving painfully slowly.  I had taken some "time off" from stalking the unofficial wait list but just yesterday I realized I have somehow started back to checking it every day. I get on there and immediately count to see what number we are. And it's always 19. And my heart always sinks just a little. I think I may have a life-long aversion to the number 19.

Want to know the two hardest things for me to do in life? One is ask for help, the other is to have patience.  Ask anyone who knows me even in the slightest and they'll tell you how terribly independent I am. And then I wonder where my daughter gets it from!  I was the first-time mom who didn't even take anyone up on their offers to come over and hold the baby or do some laundry so I could take a nap. (by the way, that was really dumb. I still can't believe I turned those offers down!)

I want to do everything myself and I want to do it fast. Rob says I have "hurry sickness." He's right. I watch the people in line at the grocery store in the other lines and if someone behind me gets to their cashier first, I inwardly groan and am mad at myself for not having gotten in that line. And I get really annoyed at people who drive below the speed limit, especially if while driving behind them the "estimated arrival time" on my GPS goes up a minute or two.

But guess what two things God is asking me to do through this adoption: ask for help and have patience! Sheesh! It's as if he wants me to be a better person or something! :) 

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act." Psalm 37:7.

That's my prayer today. I need help learning to be still and wait for God to act. I want to hurry up and do everything myself.  But when I do that, I always mess things up or forget part of something or do something wrong.  I'm so prideful sometimes thinking my way is the best way and I can do it fastest/best.  I can't even express how thankful I am that God is patient with ME and doesn't treat me the way I do him.

Most of this adoption process has been pretty great. But this part is painful. I'm being forced to see how prideful I am: how much I try to rely on myself instead of on God to maneuver my way through this life. But I'm thankful for the lesson.  Because deep in my heart of hearts, I don't want to rely on myself. I don't want to do things my way.  I'm not so prideful that I can't acknowledge that the creator of the universe may just have a better way.

I need this lesson now. When we have three children, my life is not going to be more conducive to being still.  So today I pray that I will use the time I have now in order to learn how to be still, to really listen, to not be in such a hurry all the time.

So if you see me rushing out of the grocery store (after having turned down the offer to help me with my groceries from the check-out people), carrying all the groceries in one arm and Allyn in the other and holding Riley's hand, please feel free to yell across the parking lot "HEY! BE STILL!" I just might listen! :)

2 comments:

  1. I suffer from this too...how inspiring this was for me to "be still" in my life as well! It's amazing how God works in us all!

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  2. Goodness, I love your posts! Patience is a big kicker for me, too. God is trying to teach me patience through the many different relationships I have right now! I want so badly to listen and follow this command, but it is so much easier said than done!

    Random comment of the day: I'm going to start in with your kids trying to make them love a school in Texas. I really should pick one. I don't want you guys to have to pay out-of-state tuition, I just want there to be a reason that you have to come to Texas. :)

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