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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The ringleader

Riley started back at school this week which leaves Allyn and me on our own three mornings a week. Can I confess something? I'm a little nervous about just me & A hanging by ourselves that much! I have recently realized that Riley is our ringleader! We both take our cues from him and he sets the pace for the day for us! We are going to miss him lots while he's at school.

I am so excited to spend some quality time with Allyn this fall because it is our first opportunity to do something just the two of us. She really is a different kid when her big brother isn't around and I L-O-V-E the chance to give her 100% of my attention. Last year she was still taking a morning nap while Riley was at school so we didn't get to hang out that much.

The idea of three kids is starting to sink in and I'm trying to get as much "alone" time in with my first two as much as possible now. And while I do have my days when I wonder "how in the world am I going to wrangle three children!?!?", there is one worry I do NOT have. What I never wonder is "how in the world am I going to LOVE three children?"

I worried about that when I was pregnant the 2nd time. I worried and wondered how I could ever love another child as much as I loved my first. And then she came. And it's like that part in the movie where the Grinch's heart grows... my heart just grew. My love for Riley never became less but my love for Allyn is just as strong and just as big. But it's also different. I love them both the same but I love them in such different ways.

And this next one? I already love him. Because he's not just a thought. He's not just a dream of a child. He very likely already exists, has already been born, and is living and breathing as we speak.  And as much as I love my children, God loves them so much more. That is amazing to me. They are HIS and yet he is entrusting me with their care for their short journeys on this Earth.

Can I tell y'all how amazing it is to be adopting? That may sound crazy because y'all have heard me whine about paperwork and waiting and paperwork. And waiting. But I've experienced more joy and peace through this process than I can explain.  When we realized God wanted us to adopt internationally, my first emotion was fear (mostly due to the cost).  But he's asked me to do something that I NEED him to help me do. So I rely on him and grow closer to him and it brings so much joy and so much peace.

I've often been my own ringleader in life. I've focused on making my own decisions and following my own plans.  But through this adoption I've had no choice but to put that ringleader aside and focus on Jesus. There is NOTHING I can do to change the wait time, the process, or the things that will happen to my child before he lands in my arms. But I can pray for peace and strength for my child and for myself. And trust that my true ringleader, the only one who has never and will never fail me, has my child in His arms and is watching over this whole crazy process.

2 comments:

  1. One day you need to print this journal and publish it....it will bring strength to many others. I not only love you, but I admire you so much!
    -auntie-

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post! You and Allyn should do very girly things while Riley is away. It's going to be a blast to be able to give all of your attention to her! And I'm sure Riley is having a pretty good time, too!

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